DECLARATIONS OF MY THOUGHTS

Was this true that I am Deaf? Yes, they said that I am Deaf. Did I happen to believe that I am Deaf? Or did I believe what they told me this, “You can’t hear?” Sometimes I didn’t know anymore. Sometimes I was confused. Because of the things that confused me. The world I live in, I felt like I had to adapt the inheritance of the Hearing. Hmm, mm, sometimes I used to like questioning myself. Like these examples,

Can I hear?

Can I apply the way of the hearing?

Can I learn the oral language?

Can I understand the sound of the hearing?

Can I walk in the world of the Hearing?

Can I show the Deaf to the Hearing?

So this questions above used to make me like answering,

Yes, I can if I hear.

Yes, I can if I apply.

Yes, I can if I learn.

Yes, I can if I understand.

Yes, I can walk if they let me be.

Yes, I can show if they listen.

This answers wondered me about the Hearing. Like these examples,

Can the Hearing welcomes the Deaf?

Can the Hearing understand the Deaf Culture?

Can the Hearing accepts the Deaf Language?

Can the Hearing let the Deaf be the Deaf?

This questions above made me think these ways,

Yes, the Hearing can welcome the Deaf if there is no inference.

Yes, the Hearing can understand the Deaf Culture if there is no misunderstanding.

Yes, the Hearing can accepts the Deaf Language if there is acknowledgement.

Yes, the Hearing can let the Deaf be the Deaf that the Hearing let themselves be.

So, my head was saying this to me, “You’re living in the world of the Hearing, the Hearing World – the world’s sound of the hearing are everywhere. You may not understand how some hearing souls could be tired when they heard all the time for twenty-four hours per day. I am not talking about the hearing persons. I am talking about the living souls of the world. They could hear the sounds the thousands times the thousands of many thousands. You could imagine what they feel like when they heard the sound of the fear. That was the reason why they may not feel the eternally peace inside their heads. For they heard the sound of the fear, they thought they would not feel the safe. When they heard the sound of the fear, you would find in their eyes that there was no peace in it.”

I was like, what was I thinking? Why did my head speak like this? Perhaps that my head likes saying this said, or perhaps that my head likes saying about the general things. I may sound like a deeper person, but, if that was it, then so be it. I said this to my head,

“I understand what you were trying to say. You were trying to say that you want me to understand – the sound of the fear. The different voices in the world that the Hearing could prescribe. I get it, my head. If you want me to understand why you were saying all this deeply to me as if your words are deeper, then I would agree that to find in the eyes that there was no peace in it because of the fear. But you know the truth, that the fear is such a liar. When you are thinking of fear, you are bringing fear in the future where there never be existed in the present – fear only lives in the future where there are an imagination, or lives in the past where there are repeatedly imagined. Fear cannot be existed if you don’t think of it about what you don’t want to think. Fear is the result what you think about it what you don’t want to happen. But in my opinion if you choose to think of making feel good then fear would not live in it. Jesus Christ (peace be upon him) tried to explain to his people that love is our nature – fear is not our nature. Fear is bringing one to the low level where there is no peace in it.”

And my head interruptedly said, “Why did you think of Jesus Christ?”

And I said, “Because he is famous to this world.”

“Says who?” asked my head to me.

And I answered, “Said the Bible and the Quran. I don’t know much about the Torah.”

“Firstly, you were thinking about the Hearing, and then this religiously?”

“Well,” said I to my head. “These holy books belongs the Hearing’s.”

“Making sense.”

“And?”

“You may tell me since you can read me,” said my head.

“I feel funny that I am talking to myself.”

“Yes, and you are talking to me.”

“Yes, so is it good to talk to myself in front of the Earth?” asked myself to my head.

“Yes, I’m sure it is good for the health. I’m sure that the Earth is happily listening to your self-talking.”

“You think it is good healthy for me for my head.”

“First the Hearing, second the religiously, and now self-talking,” said my head.

There was silent and my head broke it.

“Why are you quiet?”

“My mind is not hearing.”

“How do you mean?”

“My mind is Deaf.”

“Tell me about it?” said my head.

“I fail to follow the footsteps of the Hearing. My voice may be a voice but it is not well spoken – I speak imperfectly.”

“I would like you to tell me why,” said curiously my head.

“Because I did not spend time to practice the oral language.”

“What is your excuse?”

“My first language is Sign Language.”

And my head expressed, “Yes that is right. Sign Language is a beautiful language. So can I tell you something?”

“Yes, you can.”

“Sign Language is not really the favourite language to the Hearing World. You know why.”

And I said, “How so?”

“Sign Language is not official to the Hearing World,” said my head. “But if it is, then it would be an easy language for the hearing persons.”

And I asked my head, “Why are you telling me this?”

“Maybe that I like reminding you that you are deaf.”

And I said, “How so?”

“Because you don’t feel that your deafness bother you when you are in the Deaf World. But when you are in the Hearing World, not everyone can understand your speaking because you do not master your tongue. Even you master your hands signing not everyone can understand your signing.”

And I said, “Well I can write.”

And my head said, “Not everyone can read.”

And I said, “If ones cannot read my writing, then I have to use the body language.”

And my head asked, “What if still don’t understand you?”

And I said, “Then think straight to the Miracle Creator.”

“The Miracle Creator?” said softly my head.

“Yes, the Miracle Creator.”

“You would think straight to Him?”

“Yes, I would.”

“Why?” whispered my head.

“Because I have no other better options.”

“Hmm.”

Sometimes I asked myself, why was I talking to myself? Maybe it helps me to think one time at a time – no many thoughts at one time but one thought at a time then new thought at another time. Hmm, it is better to talk to myself in front of no one than talking myself in front of everybody – I don’t mind to talk in front of plants, trees, grasses, etc, even the sky, moon, and stars.

“What are you thinking?” asked my head to myself.

“What am I thinking?”

“Yes.”

“I’m thinking that it is better to switch off my self-talking in front of everybody,” said myself.

And my head said, “You choose whatever it takes you to feel safe. So, you know why the prayer is important.”

“You tell me.”

“The prayer is important because it can be answered when the faith is real,” said my head. “People from the Hearing World knows this is true because you learnt it from their teachings.”

“Yes, I agree that the prayer is important.”

“You know when there is angry the patience would be remedy to heal the angry because the patience requires a strong feeling for one’s belief,” said my head. “The prayer is not working if you don’t feel it is real, it has to feel real, and then only can it answer.”

And I said to my head, “I keep the Miracle Creator in my thoughts and my affirmations for all the days of my life even if I don’t mean it, because as long as I keep Him in my thoughts and affirmations I feel like that He is the Miracle – I mean looking at everything around that no man made is amazing me to inspire. I don’t know how Earth was made or how Sun, Moon, Stars, Universe, Milky Way, everything was made. It is like infinite. Like infinitely numbers. There is no end to stop numbers. It keeps counting for all the infinite. That amazes me which the reason makes me to think of Him often.”

“I read what you mean,” said my head. “The Miracle is very unpredictable. I mean, too many people said a lot of things about the future of Earth – most of them think/feel that the future of Earth would face to doom but I read that you like to say something about this.”

“What about it?”

“You can tell me about it.”

And I said, “All right. I feel that no matter whatever we think about the future of Earth, the Miracle will always have the ability to surprise the 99% – 1% that no man can know the true perception of the future of Earth.”

And my head said, “How so?”

“When I asked someone this saying, ‘how do you know that you move your body? You just know but don’t know how because you don’t question the how – you just know as you do the what. Just like no one know how fire appears out of Earth but we know what fire do. Like no one know how lights came out of the electricity but they know what to make the electricity.”

“You are saying it is a miracle to create an electricity?” asked my head.

“Yes, I am saying that it is miracle for electricity to bring light on that no body know where it comes from. When the electricity was made, the light just came on as if it was magic.”

And my head said, “I understand what you are trying to say. You are saying that everything on this Earth are a miracle because no one know how old is Earth. It may seem forever but Earth is a living planet that she won’t give up no matter how much damage she is. She is only the one who can do her miracles to herself. Like it is miracle that Earth gives us water.”